“Hi, how’s it going?”
“Hello! I’m really sorry I’m late. Took me a while to find this place.”
“Yeah, it’s a bit tricky from the station, isn’t it?”
“I found 44A ages ago, and I thought 44B was just next door.”
“Yeah, it’s so easy to think that, but this street doesn’t operate under linear alphabetical constraints.”
“I can see that! Took me 24 minutes to find 44B!”
“Yeah, it’s not easy. Let me show you round.”
“Thanks, I’m sorry I was so late.”
“Not a problem. Big details first. There are two of us in the house: me and Natalie. She’s not in, but if you’re interested we can arrange a meeting before you move in, just so you get to know us.”
“Thanks! That would be awesome. Just like to meet you both first.”
“No problem. The holding company needs references from your two previous landlords. I hope that’s ok?”
“Fine. They’re all the way back in Herefordshire, but it’s not a thousand miles away, is it?”
“No! Ok, now we’ve got the boring details out the way, I’ll give you the tour. Come in.”
“Thank you!”
“So here’s the kitchen. Usual stuff: fridge, just here; microwave over there, as you’d expect-“
“What wattage is the microwave?”
“Weird question. Here’s the washing machine. Looks tiny, but it’s bigger than you think.”
“Ok. How many spin cycles does it have?”
“Weird question again. Just through that door is the patio, as you can see. It’s got a lovely garden, once we get around to de-brambling it, and there’s a shed right at the bottom.”
“What’s in the shed?”
“Oh, a trowel, a couple of lawn mowers. Usual sorts of things. And the marquee.”
“Cool! Do you get the marquee out in the summer then?”
“No. We just keep it in the shed.”
“That’s a bit of a shame! If I move in, could we set it up for a party?”
“It is set up. I told you, we just keep it in the shed.”
“Set up?”
“Yep.”
“In the shed?”
“Yep?”
“Is it a really small marquee then?”
“No, it’s a little bigger than your average marquee.”
“In the shed?”
“Yes. We hosted the London Norwegian festival last week. The shed was full of Norwegians. They even brought a fjord.”
“Uh…”
“Would you like to see the lounge?”
“Um, yeah, sure, of course. Please.”
“Just up the stairs.”
“Hang on a second. When you said the washing machine’s bigger than it looks, what did you mean?”
“What do you think I meant?”
“I… I don’t know any more.”
“Up the stairs. Careful, the steps are quite small. I’ve tripped over a couple of times. After a few too many glasses of Prosecco, you know!”
“I’ve done that a few times… !”
“The Prosecco, or the falling over?”
“We both know the answer to that! How many steps are there?”
“Weird question number three. Ok, I’ll just turn the light on at the top.”
“Quite unusual to have a lounge on the first floor, isn’t it? I like the idea though, sounds like an executive suite or something!”
“It’s not quite! You can only reach the bedrooms from the lounge, but it’s all pretty private, don’t worry.”
“That’s not a problem.”
“Good. Ok, managed the stairs? They really are a bit small, sorry about that.”
“No, no, they’re not too bad. No need to apologize, you didn’t build them!”
“And I guess in this price range you can’t expect a grand marble staircase or anything!”
“No! It’s a nice place though. And you’ve got a first-floor lounge, pretty fancy!”
“Don’t say that until you see it! Alright, it’s just in here.”
BOING
“Hang on, what?”
“This is the lounge – sorry about the lack of furniture, it’s just beanbags.”
“Where are… oh, up there?”
“Yeah, up here. Just make your way up to the beanbags.”
“The floor’s all trampoline…”
“How else do you think you get up to the beanbags?”
BOING
“There. Not so hard, was it?”
“I guess not? How do you get down?”
“I’ll show you later. You look so surprised! I suppose this set-up takes a bit of getting used to, especially if you’re keen on Prosecco! Like the beanbags?”
“Er, yeah, I guess…”
“Good. Alright, let me show you the bedroom.”
BOING
“Just do what I did. Jump off the beanbag and bounce. The extra momentum carries you up.”
“Um, ok.”
BOING
“Isn’t this exhausting at the end of the day?”
“No, no not really. It’s your standard bouncy house. They don’t have them in all houses, I suppose. Have you never thought about a trampoline lounge?”
“I don’t know, I just wanted a microwave with high wattage.”
“Let me show you the bedroom. Just through here.”
“Huh, it’s just a bed.”
“That’s right. It is a bedroom!”
“Oh, I expected a bed. I just thought there might be some other furniture too. Or another trampoline.”
“A trampoline in the bedroom? Weird. But furniture takes up so much space, doesn’t it? This way you’ve got loads of room. It might be a bit small, but it feels pretty spacious without furniture.”
“Yeah, but where am I going to put my stuff? There’s no wardrobe, no bookcase, no chest of drawers…”
“Oh, the help take care of all that.”
“Help?”
“Yes, help. Did you not have servants in your last place?”
“No? No, of course I didn’t.”
“Really? Oh wow! Oh, but of course, you’re moving to London for the first time, aren’t you? I guess not everyone has servants in… Herefordshire, was it?”
“Er, yeah…”
“Bit of a culture shock, I suppose. London is a bit of a culture shock, what with all the cars and the people! It was the same for me. I’m from just north of Preston.”
“I didn’t expect servants!”
“Well, there’s a bit more money here than the rest of the country. Anyway, the help deal with all our stuff.”
“I’m not sure I’m ok with…”
“Do you want to see the ensuite?”
“I mean, I thought it was just the two of you living here?”
“Oh, it is really. The servants aren’t allowed use of the trampoline.”
“They don’t use the trampoline? Is there another way of getting up here then?”
“You know, I’ve never asked. I suppose there must be.”
“Maybe through that door over there?”
“No, that’s the ensuite bathroom. You probably don’t have ensuites in Herefordshire either!”
“I’ve never had an ensuite, actually… I don’t see any other entrances to the room?”
“No, me neither. Huh. A bit mysterious, really.”
“Maybe they secretly bounce up here when you’re not looking!”
“I hope not. We’ve already had one this week.”
“Uh… um… one what?”
“The bathroom’s just through there. Mind your head on the beam. It’s a bit low-hanging, I know, but you soon get used to it.”
“It’s not too low, I guess? I’m quite small.”
“You first, please.”
“Oh, um, thank you.”
“Just through that door.”
“Ok, the handle is quite stiff.”
“Yeah, we’ll get one of the servants to repair that for you. They’re pretty efficient at fixing stuff.”
“Er, yeah… WHOOOOAAAHHH”
“Be careful!”
“Be careful? I didn’t expect a fucking slide!”
“How did you think you get to the bathroom?”
“Not via a slide!”
“Oh wow, London really is going to be a culture shock for you.”
“No, bathrooms don’t have slides in Herefordshire!”
“Haha, weird. But I suppose it’s just a different normal, isn’t it? I was wondering why you didn’t know how to get down.”
“Are slides normal here?”
“Yeah. This one’s pretty functional, but the chute’s really clean. We’ve just given it a very thorough wash.”
“Um, thanks?”
“Well, I know what it’s like. Loads of flatshares are a bit grimy, and people don’t scrub the bathroom properly, and you find mould on the slide roofs. Besides, we need to clean these fairly regularly, on account of the staff.”
“The staff? Do you mean the help?”
“Yeah, the staff, the servants, the domestic, the help.”
“Is it too much to ask them to clean the slide? I guess it must be an expensive job?”
“Look at you! Only just heard of the help and now you want them to clean the slides! No, they’re not allowed in the slides either, but occasionally we find them there, blocking the thing up.”
“Blocking the thing up… ?”
“Yes, lying there, blocking the thing up.”
“You don’t mean what I think you mean…”
“They’re pretty hard to shift once their body’s stuck in the tubing.”
“Oh my God…”
“Not sure why they try and go down there, really. They know their collars don’t mix well with water…”
“AAAAAAHHHHH”
“The collars are only supposed to get their attention when we want them: you know, we can buzz them when we want a drink, or if we catch them on the trampolines, but the help can be a bit forgetful sometimes, and accidentally go down the slide.”
“AAAAAAHHHHH”
“We did wonder whether they were deliberately pushing each other down the slide, or sliding down on purpose, but they seemed happy enough.”
“AAAAAHHHHH”
“You’re quite loud, aren’t you? We were hoping for a quiet flatmate, someone who likes socialising but also respects other people’s space. Are you able to keep the noise down at all?”
“Let me out! Let me out! Let me out!”
“I mean, if you’re sure… is the room that bad? I know it’s a bit small…”
“JUST LET ME OUT!”
“Ok, if you insist! Just head down the slide, then swim to the end and climb out. Buzz one of the help and they’ll take you out.”
“NO!”
“It’s the only way down.”
“AAAAAHHHHH!”
“You’re an odd one! First the microwave wattage, and now this! Maybe it’s for the best you don’t move in. No, not that way, that just takes you back to the trampoline…”
“I DON’T CARE. I’M GOING THAT WAY!”
“No, don’t, that’ll just bounce you further up…”
BOING
“… to the space launcher in the roof…”
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?”
“3…”
Whoosh
“2…”
Whoooooooooosh
“1…”
Whoooooooooooooooooooooosh
“Lift-off.”
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH
VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
“Hello, Natalie, is that you? Hi? Natalie, you forgot to lock the space launcher again. Ok, I know I was in too, but you were the last one to use it. Natalie, you know I had someone from out-of-town seeing the room today! You know what can happen! We won’t see the space launcher for light years! How am I going to get to the party now? Thanks a lot, Natalie.”
“Fuck you, Natalie.”
BUZZ
“Get me a stiff drink.”
Jezknee 