This is in response to a writing challenge which generated a random title. I got ‘Lupine Nursemaid’ – this is my response. There should have been pictures too, but I’ll add those when I’ve worked out why this format isn’t letting me include them.
The Daily Hogwash, page 1, January 23rd 2008
“MY KIDS WILL BE RAISED BY WOLVES”, SAYS MAD PROF
The psycho-boffin’s done it again.
Professor Harry “Prof” Jamieson, brain lab billionaire, inventor of the unpeeled banana, is doing another experiment.
No, he’s not training another budgie for the Olympics.
He’s not even putting electrodes up an elephant’s nose.
This time he’s playing God with his own flesh-and-blood. His children.
“How you’re brought up doesn’t matter,” says The Prof, “so one of my twin kids will be raised by wolves.”
“Little Tommy will spend his youth with a lupine nursemaid on the Great Plains. Little Timmy’s going to a surrogate family in Chiswick.”
The bonkers billionaire reckons it won’t make a blind bit of difference whether Tommy’s raised by wolves, but hard-working Brits don’t agree.
“It’s an outrage,” yells Dave ‘Fists’ Mulwood, 43.
“I’m not being funny, but nursemaids get benefits, right? Don’t want my hard-earned taxes going to wolves abroad, know what I’m saying?”
“Who does little Timmy think he is, Tarzan?”
Social Services agreed.
“It’s an outrage,” yells community worker Maggie Loudmouth, 43. “It’s not fair on the poor kid, sending him to Chiswick. He’s got human rights, after all.”
The Daily Hogwash, page 1, January 24th 2026
PSYCHO-BOFFIN TELLS WOLF BOY: 22 AND YOU’LL BE RICH
Little Tommy “Wolf Boy” Jamieson’s 18th birthday was the best day of his life.
Tommy said goodbye to his wolf parents and stepped back into Blighty.
And now his real dad, Harry “Prof” Jamieson, has made him the promise of a lifetime. When the Wolf Boy turns 21, he’ll get half his dad’s billions.
The other half goes to his camera hogging play boy brother, Timmy.
“My kids will share my fortune when they come of age,” declared the nutty Prof, “Unless, of course, they get in trouble with the law.”
So the Jamieson twins better play nicely!
All this is a bit of a shock for Wolf Boy.
He’s spent all his life on the Great Plains, escaping house prices and the Great British weather.
He was brought up by a wolf mother. He had no contact with humans, except of course the cameramen we sent to snap his every move!
“I’m not being funny or anything,” yells Dave ‘Fists’ Mulwood, 61, “But what about the hard-working British taxpayer?”
“Little Tommy’s been brought up by a single parent on benefits for 18 years, and now he’s going to be a billionaire.”
“Is the hard-working taxpayer going to get a penny back? Not a chance.”
“It’s an outrage,” yells Miranda Loudmouth, 61, “Benefits scroungers, the lot of them.”
The Daily Hogwash, page 1, January 16th 2029
BILLIONAIRE PROF FOUND DEAD IN HOME
Britain’s been rocked by the crime of the century today.
Lovable bonkers billionaire Professor Henry Jamieson, inventor of the lie detector earmuffs, world-famous head doctor, was found dead in a lab yesterday lunchtime.
The Prof, winner of reality TV romp ‘Celebrity Lift-Off’, was best known for his mind-reading handlebar moustache.
He was hit in the head with a blunt instrument. The body was covered in animal hair, possibly of a wolf.
A man was seen running away from the scene on all fours, holding a golf club. Witnesses are urged to come forward.
Police are looking for a suspect known only as “Lupine Boy”. He is described as hairy, snarling, and fond of raw meat.
“We urge witnesses to come forward,” urged Detective Inspector Feralline, Scotland Yard, “The suspect is dangerous and may possibly have been raised by wolves.”
Timmy ‘Play Boy’ Jamieson, our beloved Prof’s dashing son, had this to say.
“My dear dad was an inspiration.”
“He taught me everything I knew. I’ll never forget him.”
A tear appeared at the corner of Timmy’s forget-me-not eyes, which he quickly wiped away with a chalk white cuff.
“This country’s going to the dogs,” yells City gent Michael Mowbray, 43.
Timmy’s brother, Tommy ‘Wolf Man’ Jamieson, 20, was not available for comment.
The Daily Hogwash, page 1, January 21st 2029
LOOPY LUPINE BOY IN LOONY BIN
Crazed psycho killer, Tommy “Wolf Man” Jamieson, was found guilty yesterday of butchering his dad, British hero Harry ‘Prof’ Jamieson.
The Wolf Man snarled from the dock as the judge sentenced him to life in a mental hospital.
Every jury member found the mad cut-throat wolf-child guilty of slaughtering The People’s Prof.
The nation’s favourite boffin was clubbed to death by the Wolf Man last week.
“It’s an outrage,” yells Mona Loudmouth, 61, “I can’t leave my house at night without being attacked by a wolf.”
“It’s madness. This country’s going to the dogs.”
“No offence, but this judge is having a laugh,” yells Dave ‘Fists’ Mulwood, 61, “The Wolf Boy should be strung up.”
“Blooming immigrant, coming over here, killing our geniuses. He should be strung up. Lock him up and throw away the key.”
“It’s an outrage,” yells City gent Michael Mowbray, “He’s no more insane than you or I. String him up!”
The guilty verdict comes just a few days before the Wolf Man was due to claim half his dad’s billions.
Tommy would have claimed half his dad’s fortune, had he not butchered the beloved Prof.
The Wolf Man’s handsome, long-suffering brother, Timmy ‘Play Boy’ Jamieson, had his lawyer read out a statement.
“My client is glad that justice has been done. My client is saddened by the death of his beloved father, and my client is saddened by the crime of his evil brother.”
The Wolf Man, 20, was not available for comment.
The Daily Hogwash, page 1, August 1st 2029
EXCLUSIVE: PLAY BOY JAMIESON TO APPEAR ON CELEBRITY LIFT-OFF
National treasure Timmy ‘Play Boy’ Jamieson is coming back to our screens this September.
And he’s following in his father’s footsteps on Celebrity Lift-Off.
“It’s always been my dream to orbit the Earth in a rocket with fifteen other famous faces,” the 21 year old stunner gushed.
“And my dad started the whole thing. I’m doing it for him.”
Celebrity Lift-Off was set up by genius British boffin Harry ‘Prof’ Jamieson, who also won the first series.
The show is based on brain science from world-famous Stanford, USA, but, unlike the original, puts reality stars in space.
“My dear dad was an inspiration,” says Play Boy Jamieson.
“He taught me everything I knew. I’ll never forget him.”
This Daily Hogwash exclusive is the latest success for Timmy, who recently got engaged to gorgeous stunner Keira Summerby, 20.
Last week Timmy told the world he’d found the wolf nurse of his brother, convicted psycho butcher Tommy.
The wolf nurse raised Tommy until the age of 18. Tommy ‘Wolf Man’ Jamieson was sent to a mental asylum 6 months ago.
Play Boy Jamieson is going to keep the Wolf Man’s nurse as a pet in his spacious Chelsea mansion.
When asked how he was going to win Celebrity Lift-Off, Timmy replied, “I’ll just try to relax while I’m up there.”
“In my time off I like to unwind with a round a golf. I’ll be taking my clubs up on the shuttle, just in case I get a chance to use them.”
Timmy’s brother, Tommy ‘Wolf Man’ Jamieson, 21, was not available for comment.
Jezknee 
This is excellent. The newspaper editorial style, the comments from the ‘man-on-the-street’, really work. It’s got a sort of Roade Dahl ‘fun-dark’ styling too.
Is fun-dark a thing? Kind of like ‘grim-dark’, but playful?
Anyway – top stuff.